huh

Isn't it funny that a single comment from someone, doesn't even have to be someone who means a lot to you, can make you sit down hard and wonder what AM I doing with my life? What DO I want? And most importantly, what IS God's will?

With so many of my friends getting married, engaged, etc. and then settling down happily and not pursuing a career it makes me all the more determined to actually have a career. I feel like not enough women want to be independent and make something of themselves. But then I realized today that if I sit back and look at the big picture, it's actually the reverse. So many women are pursuing careers and independence that the concept of home and family is being swept out of the way. The daycares are full (as my mom can attest), the pre-K classrooms are packed, the idea of a stay at home mom is subtly looked down on... Here I sit wondering why the hell I feel that having a career is better than not having one, when the thought of settling down and having a full time job scares me.

Am I really that determined to prove people wrong?

Am I so afraid to change my mind because of the smug looks and comments I would get from a couple people?

Is my pride really that strong?!

Or is my lack of a biological clock God's will?

*sigh*

I am currently, solidly, on the fence.

The Next Step

I gots me a job.

A job for a whole year. A job with a dress code (hrm...). A job as an apprentice instead of an intern. A job at one of the nation's biggest wildlife rehab facilities: Wildlife Rescue & Rehabilitation Inc. http://www.wildlife-rescue.org/

I do believe I am equal parts stoked, scared, and sad.

Stoked because... well, wildlife rehab, if you know me at all, you know how much I love to help animals :D And just thinking about the amount of animals and the diversity of animals that come to WRR... eeeee!!!

Scared because I don't know who I'll be living with, if they'll be even close to as nice as the Machens, if I can handle the work load, if I'm smart enough or fast enough, if I want to get my rabies pre exposure vaccine, if I can handle not going to church for a year (unless a miracle occurs), if I'll fit in... ever... *sigh* so many ifs in life, you'd think I'd be used to pushing them away and just going for it.

Sad because... I'm gonna miss my Washington/Oregon family. I have 10 total days of vacation/sick time, so I don't see coming home as an option.

That said, praise God, He knows what's best for all of us, and it would seem staying in Tejas for a whole 'nother year making animals feel better is what's best :) And despite the fact that I botched my interview, apparently they think I'm qualified, so I ain't gonna argue.

*gulp* Adventures ahoy!

Ouch

What's wrong with me?

What's stopping me from being all that I can be as a follower of Christ?

Why am I so damned insecure, when God has given me eternal security?

Why am I always so tired, and constantly using it as an excuse not to live life fully?

There are people who are far worse off than me, some in my own family, and yet it's so often all about me, me, me. Ew. Just ew. I disgust myself sometimes, and I'm so glad that I don't disgust my God. Anyway.

So often I feel like I need to do great things for God, and not menial tasks like emptying the dishwasher, feeding baby deer, making more iced tea when we run out, helping with dinner, making messes then cleaning them up, making quilts and not being patient enough to make them perfect. I can't remember what day it was, but I was reading My Utmost For His Highest the other day, and O. Chambers said something that is now ringing true in my mind. One of the most dangerous thing in the world for Christians is to do things for God. To work for Him. As if He didn't die for us when we were still sinners. As if we needed to curry His favor...

As if He's ever needed our help!

No, we need to do things with Him. Empty the dishwasher with Him, because it's what He would do: "If then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master..."

Jesus washed feet. Jesus did commonplace, mundane things *gasp* Another good quote from O. Chambers "It takes God Almighty incarnate in us to do the meanest duty as it ought to be done." So true. If we work with God in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we will be prepared when the storms hit.

I barely survived the last two massive storms in my life and I did not end either one well. I was barely prepared. I had gotten stuck in a rut of forgetting my God in the commonplace. And I'm falling into it again. By God's grace I won't fall completely.