Thinking

And I'm not who I thought I was, 24 hours ago

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestle the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And you're raising the dead in me

Life really is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago

Identity crises are not fun, if this can even be called an identity crisis
It's more like a life-goals crisis

I've always known that I wanted to work with animals, ever since I was 4 years old
But now that I've graduated and done what I thought was my dream
It turns out that it's not
I want something else, something more, something that satisfies at a deeper level

I get this feeling that God did not create me for mediocrity
And that scares me a little bit

There's this

Then there's this

And then there's this...



Father in heaven, please show me how to live the third option... I want to take care of all the orphans, not just the animals anymore. Please show me how!

The Wheel Turns

Just sitting on the couch, enjoying my last cup o' tea as a 21 year old. Crazy. Also enjoying a slice of my b-day cake, a bit early. I figure since I made it, and I'm going to be exploring the island tomorrow, I may as well have a slice right now. Soooo tasty :) I wish y'all could try a piece! Flour-less chocolate cake is officially up there with carrot cake.

*sigh*

And now off to bed so that I can roll out at 4:00 to watch the sunrise over Haleakala. It's gonna be great! Thank you Lord for allowing me to reach another year and for teaching me that you're always bigger. 21 was hard, but it was good :)

A nice warm cup of tetley on my desk
Pumpkin spice candle lit and making my room smell yummy
Christmas music playing quietly
'I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams...
A beautiful rainstorm pounding on the roof
Rain pouring off the hapu'u ferns outside my window
Contemplating forgiveness, bitterness, and singleness

I think that if I could actually figure out how to truly forgive people, I might have an easier time understanding how God could possibly forgive me.

I don't want to be bitter, or cynical for that matter, but it's coming easier and easier to me each time another good friends starts dating or gets engaged.

In my close circle, there aren't a lot of single ladies left, and for some twisted reason, that makes me sad.

I try to believe that being single gives me the chance to please God, and God only. It works, most of the time. But the other part of the time I'm just lonely. And the smidgen of time left, I'm just freaked out and don't know what I want.

I sometimes wish things would just stay the same, but they're changing so quickly it makes my head spin.

God, I need your grace so that I can give it. You were hurt more than I could ever be, and yet you still overflowed with mercy and grace; let me mimic you. Let me rejoice with those who rejoice.

I think it's now time for Muse.

70 degrees, sunny, green, and a light breeze coming in the door... somehow, it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving Day. I wish I were home in cold, slushy Pullman, hanging with the family (and Miaya) and making our traditional Thanksgiving dinner. I miss that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do on Christmas... oh well, be thankful for all things, because in some way or another, they remind us of God and his saving grace.

Okay, and now for that wonderful list of the many things that I am thankful for (in no particular order, and I'm probably forgetting a few)...

*Living on Maui, because it's pretty
*New friends to celebrate with
*Old friends who don't apply 'Out of sight, out of mind'
*And for those who do
*Family that calls and puts me on speaker phone
*Loneliness, because it makes me pray and be more social
*Flannel sheets
*Cute animals, and even the not so cute ones
*Cellphones to call and text people 3000 miles away
*A God who is always bigger than I can imagine, who loves me even when I'm not in a good mood
*My Bible, because it reminds me what I believe and why
*Music, to dance to, to sing to, and to make me think
*Good books, because getting lost in another world is a beautiful thing
*The ability to write epic things, and create pretty things
*Pencils and paper
*Good food, with flavor
*Especially cheese
*And spinach
*And Tetley
*And pie, I like pie :)
*The internet, it's a wonderful thing
*My trusty computer that has never let me down
*Puns and sarcasm
*Money, it comes in handy
*Nature, because it's just beautiful and reveals God
*Airplanes, because they get me where I want to go
*Cars too
*Pain, because it reminds me that I have a functioning nervous system
*Cameras, because they remind me of things that I would otherwise forget
*Maps, because they're fun, and useful
*Cookbooks and recipes, which I would be lost without
*Waterbottles
*Couches (and the cuddle puddles that occur on them)
*Clean clothes, and a dryer to make jeans fit
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*So many more, but I have to get going and enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner, so you're welcome to fill in the blanks :)

Rejoice always,
pray without ceasing,
in everything give thanks; for this
is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you
1 Thessalonians 5:4

A Joy, Inexplicable

I just (read: last night before going to sleep) realized that I've been living for the future. Waiting until I am smarter, more experienced, have a better job, different co-workers, etc. until I give God my all. I realized that subconsciously I've been thinking that if I only make it to some specific, unknown, point in life, THEN I'll be a witness for Jesus.

I asked myself if there is any reason why I'm not following my own mantra: "whatever you find to do, do it well, as if doing it for the Lord." Why I'm not loving everyone I meet with a joy that isn't of this world and isn't based on circumstances. Why I'm not shining, making them wonder what I've got. Turns out, I didn't have a good answer for myself.

A very wise turtle (:P) once said, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that is why it's called the present.

As cliche as it sounds; carpe diem!

(and yes, I'm writing this down so that I will not forget)

A tribute, to Simpler Times

God blessed me so much in my childhood.








I miss all my babies. I realized tonight that Miaya is the only one left from the Brunner's lil farm in Long Beach. Pictures and nostalgia are all that's left of those furry and feathery critters that I loved so much.

Oh how times change.

Inner Dialogue

Head: I've been treading water for so long now...
Heart: Then swim!
Head: I don't know how to anymore.
Head: I'm not sure that I ever did...
Heart: Yes you did, you still know how
Head: Apathy is a strong force, so strong in fact, that it would let me drown
Heart: Then fight it!
Head: I don't care enough to fight, it's easier to just exist
Heart: Is that all you want? To just exist?
Head: ...no, I hate it
Heart: Remind me why you aren't swimming forward?
Head: I can't make myself care unless I've got someone poking and prodding me...
Holy Spirit: Be hot, or be cold, do not be lukewarm, or I will spit you out
Head: Hello?
Heart: Finally!
Holy Spirit: The Spirit and the old self are always at war, so that often you do not do what you want to do, and what you want to do, you do not do
Head: Then why bother?
Holy Spirit: Because eternity hangs in the balance. You are a world at war, the side which is fed will triumph
Heart: Apathy muffles the Spirit
Head: I've noticed
Holy Spirit: Friendship towards the world is enmity towards God. You cannot have both
Head: ...I guess that's what my apathy has lead me towards
Heart: So about that swimming...
Head: Please help me, Holy Spirit?
Holy Spirit: Of course, that's why I'm here
Jesus: Don't forget, the world hated me first. And when I died, I died for all your sins, not just a few. I'm bigger than that.
Head: I guess 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' don't even begin to cover it...
Jesus: Remember, I was human once too; it will do. I love you.
Head: I love you too.
Holy Spirit: Let's take this one stroke at a time, shall we?
Heart: *phew*