I'm such a failure sometimes. I know that even Paul struggled with "what I want to do I do not do, and what I do not want to do, I do!" but at the same time, I can't help but think that once we accept that we need Jesus as our savior, the old man should leave, and the new one will replace it. I get to the point sometimes when I simply loathe my old self so much that I wish with all my heart that I could just vomit myself up. But I know that I can't be rid of it on my own, because as long as I live in this body of sin, I will be bipolar. One side of me wants to serve God with all that I am, love people, not get annoyed, not be worried and afraid, not think about or do things that are unpleasing to the One that saved me, follow God and keep his commandments, because that is my whole duty and purpose in life! And yet the other side is saying no, do what you want, it's your life, have fun and do what feels good, get annoyed, they deserved it, it's way too scary to talk about your faith, no will believe you anyway, you hardly believe it sometimes yourself.
*sigh*
Can I just look in the mirror, say "damn you", and move on to a life that serves God, and God alone? Why can't it be that easy? Why can't I have the faith to make it that easy? It would seem that being finite and human makes it impossible...
But all things are possible with God...
Help me, Lord! I don't want to disappoint you anymore!
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