I waited over a year for that conversation.

Not sure why I strung my emotions on for so long.

It wasn't healthy, I know.

I was just too scared to bring it up.

Or too mad.

Now that I think about it, why was I angry?

Hmm...

I'm free now, though.

Thank you so much.

And thank you Lord, for finally answering my prayer.

Even though my heart hurts, it feels good.

Good things...

My heart got a little hurt today, but considering how much I've gone through in the past few months, it doesn't hurt as much as it could. If anything I now know how I've made a few other people feel... ouch.

But that to say, I realized a couple days ago that, dang, my blog is kinda depressing. I'm not too depressed, I promise! Life really is good, or at least God certainly is. The friends he has blessed me with are truly remarkable. Even when my life is careening down a rabbit hole and I'm cranky about it, they still tell me I'm cool, or share a blanket with me, or let me crash on their couch, or share their food with me, or leap out of barely stopped cars to hug me. *sigh*. I like those people, a whole lot.

Oh, and speaking of things I like, birds are also on my happy list. I went out to Rose Creek with Mom today, and we saw several western bluebirds. Such lovely, vibrant little creatures. Also saw a house finch, several pygmy nuthatches, california quail, and heard a very vocal pheasant.

And pretty flowers.

That is all.

I Don't Know

I'm coming to realize that I use that phrase waaaay to much. I actually do know... most of the time at least.

I've had an odd day.

I went to get my hair trimmed, because it's growing out haphazardly. It's now quite short again, but all a fairly even length so it shouldn't end up too much like a mop... or a mullet. The guy who cut my hair automatically assumed that Alana and I were a couple, and was kind of disappointed when we told him we're both straighter than a straightedge. Why is this? Why must people assume that I like girls simply because I have short hair? It's convenient in a time when everything else in my life is so wildly out of control! I like boys (talked to a very nice one today, as a matter of fact)! Is that so hard to believe in this mess of society we live in?!

So yes, that wasn't funny, that hurt a little... or a lot. I like my hair, but I'm growing it out, starting today.

Oh, you know...

*It's almost 11:30 pm, and I'm still awake, laying on my bed, drinking a blueberry lager. I lead an exciting life.

*I got my lip pierced (vertical labret) on tuesday. It kinda hurts, but not too bad.

*I think I need to get my hair cut again, it's growing out in a strange fashion.

*I'm really excited to go to an Abney Park concert with Colleen on Sunday. It shall be epically ridiculous!

*The library is becoming my new best friend; I love young adult fiction.

*I really need to work on my books...

*And my drawing...

*And my bridesmaid dress...

*I have so much time, and yet procrastinate so much. Lame.

*I feel as if I should have a more educated vocabulary.

*I'm moving to Texas on May 30th (Lord willing)!!! This will be a hard job, but I think it will be good.

*I need to prove to myself that I'm not lazy.

*I think I might like a boy... maybe... I'm not quite sure yet. I really wish I could talk to him more.

*Alana, Dani, Hannah, and I are thinking about taking a trip to Europe in May. I hope it works out!

*Alana has been really sick this week. I hope the weekend makes a difference.

*I don't know what to do when she doesn't want to eat, and just wants to sleep all the time...

*Granted, she doesn't know what to do either. My poor sister :(

*Does anyone want to do something with me on any evening in the next couple weeks?

*Distractions are amazing! Just throwing that out there.

*He is faithful, even when we are faithless...

*I have a lot of doubts and worries and wonderings and ponderances.

*I need to bring them to Him; that would make my life so much more bearable right now.

*Why are the things that are good for us so hard to do?

*Praise God, for He is always bigger.

That is all.

Brian was right, I shouldn't whine about anything, my dear sister has it far worse than me.

Alana's hair started falling out tonight.

Aw, crap.

I'm Sorry

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil, for you are with me

Your rod and your staff

They comfort me...

I kinda feel like having a good cry right now. Why? I dunno... maybe because I haven't had a good sob since all this started with Alana.

People keep asking me (usually as an afterthought, but oh well) how I'm doing. I think I'm okay? As long as I avoid thinking about the future, I'm okay. However, not gonna lie, when I start thinking about what the future might hold it usually results in a "What the hell?!" and checking facebook or dA to avoid thinking.

I need to pray more. A lot more. To lay this life at the feet of Jesus and not snatch it back. If this whole situation has taught be anything it is that life is uncertain. I knew that before, but it was only head knowledge. It's now burned into my soul. But it seems that that uncertainty makes me cling all the more onto the few certainties I have. It makes me keep running, busy with eventually useless things.

I try to relax, but I'm so tired. I can't calm down, or I'm afraid I might just shatter.

This is probably a problem. But yesterday we talked with the doctor about what Alana's tumor might result in, if she is not entirely healed. Bad things. Horrible things actually. Things that I won't be able to avoid because Alana has made me her power of attorney on her living will. That's hard, not gonna lie, I don't want to see any of that. Ever. Ever. Ever. Alana and I have been joking that we need to move to Africa and contract some disease that kills within a day or two... it might not be a joke. I don't know.

I am here. I know where I'm going. But between now and then... God, what in the world do you want from me? Where in the world do you want me to go? Who in the world do you want me to be with?

*sigh*

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn't there

I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away

I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

O Lord before these feet of mine,

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth

You healed the broken lost and hurt

I know you hate to see me cry

I know one day you will set things right

Your hands that shape the world

Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave your hands