Musings

Do you ever have those moments in life when you just want to be someone else?

Yeah, me too...

Sometimes I feel so torn. I want to see the world, but I also just want to settle down and not have to deal with the money/time/trouble/stress that goes along with wonder/wander-lust.

Sometimes I wish I had a niche in life. So many places come so very close, but never quite close enough. My Christian friends understand most of me, but then my friends in biology and conservation understand that part of me that my Christian friends never have. It's hard to be a liberal conservative environmentalist Christian zoologist.

Sometimes I just feel bipolar.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free to be completely me. But then I wonder if that 'me' is actually my old self that needs to be pummeled by the Holy Spirit.

And yet the more time I spend doing nothing, torn between two worlds, the less I get done and the lazier and more apathetic I become.

I don't know who said it first, but someday I want this to fully be my anthem, instead of just a part of it:

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals...

A wee little surprise, etc...

I was awake at 3:30 on Wednesday, the 14th of October in order to get to the airport in time for my 6:23 flight to Spokane, WA. (The hours between 2 and 4 should be ordained as unholy hours!) Four months have passed since I came to KBCC. I know a lot, and yet have so much I still want to learn!

But that aside, on Thursday, at 5:30 pm I came back to my home of 3 years and surprised everyone but Hannah. The reactions were as good as I had hoped... Brookie followed me around a for a few hours, staring and smiling, after she recovered from her initial wide-eyed shock. Hannah just looked so pleased with herself. It was wonderful to feel loved, I have really missed that.

We went dancing later that night, and it seems I have forgotten how to move my feet. But such is life, it was still fun. I am now just chillin' at The Rock, doing everyone's chores in exchange for room and board for the next 1.5 weeks, reading The Eye of the World, and generally just being lazy.

I had truffle shortbread and tea with Colleen and Jennifer, which was splendidful. Colleen ate with two forks... have I mentioned how very much I love my friends?

So yes, here for 1.5 weeks, then over to the Maui Bird Conservation Center for ~5 months (Lord willing). Please pray that I have Sundays off over there, because after going to church today, I realized that I really need fellowship to be healthy.

And I shall conclude with a quote that I love, and absolutely does not relate:

"...one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green..." (from Tolkein's The Hobbit)

And another one...

I'm currently reading through Blue Like Jazz, and it's bringing back all those great memories of PBC youth group. Travis and Matt raving about it (and Velvet Elvis (on the list, by the way)). But anyway, those bad/awkward/frustrating memories aside, I think Blue Like Jazz has a few good points. It's kind of nice to read about an author who gets frustrated with traditional American Christianity... it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

One excellent point made by the author was about love; and when you think about it, you think about it in financial metaphors (withholding love, investing in someone, etc.). He talked about how the love of the church has become conditional, withholding if from those we feel need to learn a lesson, or don't deserve it. And when we give love, we expect something in exchange, or give it to feel good about ourselves. I know I'm guilty of that. It made me wonder what would happen if I loved like Jesus loved. He loved the unlovable, the outcasts, and because He genuinely cared about them, they sensed that and responded to it.

I wish I knew how to really love... and receive love... but that's a whole 'nother story.