31 March 2010

I'm Sorry

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me
Your rod and your staff
They comfort me...

I kinda feel like having a good cry right now. Why? I dunno... maybe because I haven't had a good sob since all this started with Alana.

People keep asking me (usually as an afterthought, but oh well) how I'm doing. I think I'm okay? As long as I avoid thinking about the future, I'm okay. However, not gonna lie, when I start thinking about what the future might hold it usually results in a "What the hell?!" and checking facebook or dA to avoid thinking.

I need to pray more. A lot more. To lay this life at the feet of Jesus and not snatch it back. If this whole situation has taught be anything it is that life is uncertain. I knew that before, but it was only head knowledge. It's now burned into my soul. But it seems that that uncertainty makes me cling all the more onto the few certainties I have. It makes me keep running, busy with eventually useless things.

I try to relax, but I'm so tired. I can't calm down, or I'm afraid I might just shatter.

This is probably a problem. But yesterday we talked with the doctor about what Alana's tumor might result in, if she is not entirely healed. Bad things. Horrible things actually. Things that I won't be able to avoid because Alana has made me her power of attorney on her living will. That's hard, not gonna lie, I don't want to see any of that. Ever. Ever. Ever. Alana and I have been joking that we need to move to Africa and contract some disease that kills within a day or two... it might not be a joke. I don't know.

I am here. I know where I'm going. But between now and then... God, what in the world do you want from me? Where in the world do you want me to go? Who in the world do you want me to be with?


I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away
I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
O Lord before these feet of mine,
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
I know one day you will set things right
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

18 March 2010

Is it selfish to be so lonely at a time like this?
Is it a sin to be completely unconfident and insecure?
Is it bad to be apathetic one minute and passionate another?
Is it wrong to feel largely purposeless?



16 March 2010

Just Because

With allergy season approaching for all us poor, unfortunate souls afflicted with hay fever, I thought I'd see if any of these work... The pollen.com one certainly looks promising. Though I really want to know if that last one actually works. I'm suspicious.


One could have a worse looking nemesis, I suppose

14 March 2010

Thinking, Praying, Waiting

Impermanence has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.

People ask where I'm from, and I really have no idea w
hat to say. Even though I know that this world is not my home, I don't like being physically homeless.

Never have I realized just how fragile life is. My sister has brain cancer. My father is recovering from a severely debilitating stroke. My wonderful cat, Dorian Gray, was found dead on the road today.

We are but a breath. Here today, gone tomorrow.

So many friends have come and gone, few have stayed. And yet t
he ones who have stayed, the ones who care, the ones who stand by me even when I'm not standing, they mean the world to me.

I have a window garden now, and the seeds are sending up fragile little green shoots, reaching towards the light.

You know that phrase, 'what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger'? It's true.

I finished C.S. Lewis' 'Perelandra' tonight, and I can't put my finger on how it did it, but it taught me a lot about the character of God, and just how good He is.

'The Problem of Pain' has also helped me understand why bad things happen to 'good' people. All is not well in the world.
If our life remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him.
Pain reminds us that whatever we have on earth is not enough.
He is the only source of true happiness.

Am I sad about my circumstances sometimes? Yes.
Is this an acceptable human response? Yes.
But only for a time.
And a short time at that.


I'm sorry if my blogs are getting repetitive; it's what happens when I'm stuck in a place that doesn't seem to want to end...

R.I.P. Dorian Gray. I'll miss you, mon ami.