Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for you are with me
Your rod and your staff
They comfort me...
People keep asking me (usually as an afterthought, but oh well) how I'm doing. I think I'm okay? As long as I avoid thinking about the future, I'm okay. However, not gonna lie, when I start thinking about what the future might hold it usually results in a "What the hell?!" and checking facebook or dA to avoid thinking.
I need to pray more. A lot more. To lay this life at the feet of Jesus and not snatch it back. If this whole situation has taught be anything it is that life is uncertain. I knew that before, but it was only head knowledge. It's now burned into my soul. But it seems that that uncertainty makes me cling all the more onto the few certainties I have. It makes me keep running, busy with eventually useless things.
I try to relax, but I'm so tired. I can't calm down, or I'm afraid I might just shatter.
This is probably a problem. But yesterday we talked with the doctor about what Alana's tumor might result in, if she is not entirely healed. Bad things. Horrible things actually. Things that I won't be able to avoid because Alana has made me her power of attorney on her living will. That's hard, not gonna lie, I don't want to see any of that. Ever. Ever. Ever. Alana and I have been joking that we need to move to Africa and contract some disease that kills within a day or two... it might not be a joke. I don't know.
I am here. I know where I'm going. But between now and then... God, what in the world do you want from me? Where in the world do you want me to go? Who in the world do you want me to be with?
*sigh*
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away
I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
O Lord before these feet of mine,
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
I know one day you will set things right
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
3 comments:
Emmi, those icky things? They are most definitely icky. And those things you can't avoid? You don't have to do that alone.
You're not alone in this. Take me seriously when I say that I will be standing next to you if those icky things happen. You are not alone dear heart.
amen to that!
I may not be the closest geographically, but oh buddy, I will sprout wings if I have to!
Hey, Luv. I've been singing that song myself a lot lately. Here's another one that I find encouraging/expressive of emotions:
"Better Than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant--find it on youtube if you haven't heard it; it's beautiful:)
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
Emi, God wants you, heart and soul, and he wants the real, true, honest you--whether passionate or apathetic. On the risk of seeming like a hypocrite since I struggle with the same kinds of things, I want to encourage you to let HIM change and shape you; don't try to do it yourself. Go as you are and then, afraid or not, kneel before him in obedient submission. Sometimes, I think "let[ting] go and let[ting] God" is the hardest thing in all of the world. And maybe it is.
Never doubt that I love you. Many prayers still coming your guys' way.
Love, love, love,
~jennifer
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