24 December 2009

Merry Christmas

A rehabilitation center in Spokane seems an odd place to reflect on the birth of a baby over 2000 years ago, but I've never claimed an exactly normal life...

Ever since the day when time began God has been outside of it. It's like He's been looking down on a physical, emotional, spiritual time line that includes our lives, and the lives of billions upon billions of other lives. That said, you realize that even before Adam and Eve sinned, God could see what the consequences would be, and was already viewing these consequences, playing an enormous part in them, and guiding all the people involved in his plan to fix things that hadn't even happened yet (in our minds, that is).

Thinking about that is quite the mind trip...

That said, God the Father knew the pain that He would have to inflict on His son, and the Son knew full well the consequences of becoming flesh and dwelling among us. But He came anyway. He cared that much about our sorry souls... I should probably stop using the word 'love' so lightly, when it was for love that God became one of us.

And then think, if God had wanted to, He could have been born a prince, in a comfortable palace, and conquered the world, made the nations bow down in fear and awe of His miracles and power. But after reading the Bible a couple times, I realize that our God reserves shock and awe for only the most desperate of times. So instead of coming in power and might, He came as a Jewish refugee born in a dirty stable surrounded by smelly animals and dirty straw. I might ask why, but then if I really think about it, I have to conclude that He was born and lived the way He did in order for us to actually apply the concepts of faith and trust. It wouldn't be too hard to believe in a conquering hero who took out the Roman empire. A humble, carpenter turned rabbi who never left His small corner of the world on the other hand...

Why do we only think about these things when Christmas rolls around? What God did is a pretty mind-blowing, awe-inspiring, worthy-of-worship thing to do. I think I need to get my head out of this little self-righteous and pitiful world that I am so comfortable in, look around me, and remind myself and the world that the God of the universe, who is outside of time, who is true love, who is true justice, squeezed himself into the restraints of time, became a man, and dwelt among us...

Thanks doesn't seem to cut it

I feel so small when I think about this

I'm sorry Lord, for my part in your pain, but thank you, thank you so much, and Happy Birthday

23 December 2009

Want one!

Dumbo rats: only 5 bucks at the pet store up the street


22 December 2009

Things are not going well.
I didn't get the job I wanted/needed.
My mom and I don't get along; we never have.
I can't talk to the one person who understands me.
I hate my life right now.
etc. etc. whine whine whine.
And don't try to encourage me, it won't help.
I have hope that things will change



God is bigger

I hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
There's tear drops in my stocking

I hate Christmas parties,
They offer me some punch,
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie tray
Hear me say "Ba! Humbug"

21 December 2009

Jingle Bells

I want a Christmas tree this year, but I won't get one.

I hope I get that vet tech job... I think...

Have you ever felt coldhearted and cruel because you don't feel much stir in your soul when you see pain, suffering... even death?

If this doesn't break me, what will? Do I even want to know?

It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time, when it pertains to completely different circumstances.

Howl's Moving Castle is a marvelous movie. And so is Avatar! I do believe both deserve a second watch.

Apparently heretics listen to hip hop. Who knew?

I wish I had an oven to bake Christmas cookies.

Victoria's Secret makes wonderful underwear. But you most certainly did not hear that from me.

My dad still snores. Some things never change.

My phone is having a mid-life crisis... or late life. How long do krazors live?

The fan in Artemis is flipping out. Perhaps it's time for a new computer.

Worried brows and pitying glances do. not. help. Hugs and distractions, on the other hand...

Why do men who work in construction take one look at me and assume incompetent? I'll have you know, buddy, that I could practically build my own house!


I'm fine! How are you?!

13 December 2009

Do you ever have those times in life when Murphy's Law almost applies perfectly?
I'm in the middle of one of those times.
I'm not sure if I've ever been quite so miserable or so desperate in my entire life...

Daddy's laying in a bed, a floor above me, hardly able to talk, right side still paralyzed, and his bowels aren't working. I know the doctors are busy, but I feel like they could at least fix that last one... he hurts and can't do anything about it. He hardly eats or drinks, and doesn't seem to care. Is his brain just not working well enough to remember how much we need him right now?

Mommy is freaking out on average 5 or 6 times a day. She just starts talking about what needs to be done, and how to afford it, and 9 times out of 10 concludes that we'll have to sell everything and move away. She's also forgetting things from day to day, and it's really hard to convince her that things are being taken care of. I don't know if I have the strength to take care of both parents. All the friends and family are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but at the end of the day it's down to Alana and me to make things happen.

If Daddy makes it through this he'll be coming home in 4 weeks, and 'home' still needs to be finished. The house has the drywall up at least, but all the details still need to be done. I know their church is going to finish it for us, and Grandma's paying for it all, but that's such a blow to Daddy's pride, that it kinda hurts. I mean, it's been pretty much only Alana, me, and him building this house for 2 years.

It looks like I'll have to quit my job, and try to find a job in Pullman or Moscow. I'd forgotten how incredibly hard those are to come by! And quite honestly and selfishly, I don't want to quit my job, I don't want to move back home, especially not to a home that doesn't exist. I don't like being homeless...

Okay, that's my little rant of misery

God is still bigger, even when I have literally had the worst week of my entire life

06 December 2009

This is too surreal

This happens to other people

Not the Brunners
Not Daddy

Dear God, please, I still need him


And I'm not who I thought I was, 24 hours ago

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestle the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And you're raising the dead in me

Life really is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago

Identity crises are not fun, if this can even be called an identity crisis
It's more like a life-goals crisis

I've always known that I wanted to work with animals, ever since I was 4 years old
But now that I've graduated and done what I thought was my dream
It turns out that it's not
I want something else, something more, something that satisfies at a deeper level

I get this feeling that God did not create me for mediocrity
And that scares me a little bit

There's this

Then there's this

And then there's this...

Father in heaven, please show me how to live the third option... I want to take care of all the orphans, not just the animals anymore. Please show me how!

02 December 2009

The Wheel Turns

Just sitting on the couch, enjoying my last cup o' tea as a 21 year old. Crazy. Also enjoying a slice of my b-day cake, a bit early. I figure since I made it, and I'm going to be exploring the island tomorrow, I may as well have a slice right now. Soooo tasty :) I wish y'all could try a piece! Flour-less chocolate cake is officially up there with carrot cake.


And now off to bed so that I can roll out at 4:00 to watch the sunrise over Haleakala. It's gonna be great! Thank you Lord for allowing me to reach another year and for teaching me that you're always bigger. 21 was hard, but it was good :)