24 December 2009
Ever since the day when time began God has been outside of it. It's like He's been looking down on a physical, emotional, spiritual time line that includes our lives, and the lives of billions upon billions of other lives. That said, you realize that even before Adam and Eve sinned, God could see what the consequences would be, and was already viewing these consequences, playing an enormous part in them, and guiding all the people involved in his plan to fix things that hadn't even happened yet (in our minds, that is).
Thinking about that is quite the mind trip...
That said, God the Father knew the pain that He would have to inflict on His son, and the Son knew full well the consequences of becoming flesh and dwelling among us. But He came anyway. He cared that much about our sorry souls... I should probably stop using the word 'love' so lightly, when it was for love that God became one of us.
And then think, if God had wanted to, He could have been born a prince, in a comfortable palace, and conquered the world, made the nations bow down in fear and awe of His miracles and power. But after reading the Bible a couple times, I realize that our God reserves shock and awe for only the most desperate of times. So instead of coming in power and might, He came as a Jewish refugee born in a dirty stable surrounded by smelly animals and dirty straw. I might ask why, but then if I really think about it, I have to conclude that He was born and lived the way He did in order for us to actually apply the concepts of faith and trust. It wouldn't be too hard to believe in a conquering hero who took out the Roman empire. A humble, carpenter turned rabbi who never left His small corner of the world on the other hand...
Why do we only think about these things when Christmas rolls around? What God did is a pretty mind-blowing, awe-inspiring, worthy-of-worship thing to do. I think I need to get my head out of this little self-righteous and pitiful world that I am so comfortable in, look around me, and remind myself and the world that the God of the universe, who is outside of time, who is true love, who is true justice, squeezed himself into the restraints of time, became a man, and dwelt among us...
Thanks doesn't seem to cut it
I feel so small when I think about this
I'm sorry Lord, for my part in your pain, but thank you, thank you so much, and Happy Birthday
23 December 2009
22 December 2009
I didn't get the job I wanted/needed.
My mom and I don't get along; we never have.
I can't talk to the one person who understands me.
I hate my life right now.
etc. etc. whine whine whine.
And don't try to encourage me, it won't help.
I have hope that things will change
God is bigger
I hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful
I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
There's tear drops in my stocking
I hate Christmas parties,
They offer me some punch,
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie tray
Hear me say "Ba! Humbug"
21 December 2009
I hope I get that vet tech job... I think...
Have you ever felt coldhearted and cruel because you don't feel much stir in your soul when you see pain, suffering... even death?
If this doesn't break me, what will? Do I even want to know?
It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time, when it pertains to completely different circumstances.
Howl's Moving Castle is a marvelous movie. And so is Avatar! I do believe both deserve a second watch.
Apparently heretics listen to hip hop. Who knew?
I wish I had an oven to bake Christmas cookies.
Victoria's Secret makes wonderful underwear. But you most certainly did not hear that from me.
My dad still snores. Some things never change.
My phone is having a mid-life crisis... or late life. How long do krazors live?
The fan in Artemis is flipping out. Perhaps it's time for a new computer.
Worried brows and pitying glances do. not. help. Hugs and distractions, on the other hand...
Why do men who work in construction take one look at me and assume incompetent? I'll have you know, buddy, that I could practically build my own house!
I'm fine! How are you?!
13 December 2009
I'm in the middle of one of those times.
I'm not sure if I've ever been quite so miserable or so desperate in my entire life...
Daddy's laying in a bed, a floor above me, hardly able to talk, right side still paralyzed, and his bowels aren't working. I know the doctors are busy, but I feel like they could at least fix that last one... he hurts and can't do anything about it. He hardly eats or drinks, and doesn't seem to care. Is his brain just not working well enough to remember how much we need him right now?
Mommy is freaking out on average 5 or 6 times a day. She just starts talking about what needs to be done, and how to afford it, and 9 times out of 10 concludes that we'll have to sell everything and move away. She's also forgetting things from day to day, and it's really hard to convince her that things are being taken care of. I don't know if I have the strength to take care of both parents. All the friends and family are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but at the end of the day it's down to Alana and me to make things happen.
If Daddy makes it through this he'll be coming home in 4 weeks, and 'home' still needs to be finished. The house has the drywall up at least, but all the details still need to be done. I know their church is going to finish it for us, and Grandma's paying for it all, but that's such a blow to Daddy's pride, that it kinda hurts. I mean, it's been pretty much only Alana, me, and him building this house for 2 years.
It looks like I'll have to quit my job, and try to find a job in Pullman or Moscow. I'd forgotten how incredibly hard those are to come by! And quite honestly and selfishly, I don't want to quit my job, I don't want to move back home, especially not to a home that doesn't exist. I don't like being homeless...
Okay, that's my little rant of misery
God is still bigger, even when I have literally had the worst week of my entire life
06 December 2009
I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestle the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And you're raising the dead in me
Life really is not what I thought it was 24 hours ago
Identity crises are not fun, if this can even be called an identity crisis
It's more like a life-goals crisis
I've always known that I wanted to work with animals, ever since I was 4 years old
But now that I've graduated and done what I thought was my dream
It turns out that it's not
I want something else, something more, something that satisfies at a deeper level
I get this feeling that God did not create me for mediocrity
And that scares me a little bit
Then there's this
And then there's this...
Father in heaven, please show me how to live the third option... I want to take care of all the orphans, not just the animals anymore. Please show me how!
02 December 2009
And now off to bed so that I can roll out at 4:00 to watch the sunrise over Haleakala. It's gonna be great! Thank you Lord for allowing me to reach another year and for teaching me that you're always bigger. 21 was hard, but it was good :)
29 November 2009
Pumpkin spice candle lit and making my room smell yummy
Christmas music playing quietly
'I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams...
A beautiful rainstorm pounding on the roof
Rain pouring off the hapu'u ferns outside my window
Contemplating forgiveness, bitterness, and singleness
I think that if I could actually figure out how to truly forgive people, I might have an easier time understanding how God could possibly forgive me.
I don't want to be bitter, or cynical for that matter, but it's coming easier and easier to me each time another good friends starts dating or gets engaged.
In my close circle, there aren't a lot of single ladies left, and for some twisted reason, that makes me sad.
I try to believe that being single gives me the chance to please God, and God only. It works, most of the time. But the other part of the time I'm just lonely. And the smidgen of time left, I'm just freaked out and don't know what I want.
I sometimes wish things would just stay the same, but they're changing so quickly it makes my head spin.
God, I need your grace so that I can give it. You were hurt more than I could ever be, and yet you still overflowed with mercy and grace; let me mimic you. Let me rejoice with those who rejoice.
I think it's now time for Muse.
26 November 2009
Okay, and now for that wonderful list of the many things that I am thankful for (in no particular order, and I'm probably forgetting a few)...
*Living on Maui, because it's pretty
*New friends to celebrate with
*Old friends who don't apply 'Out of sight, out of mind'
*And for those who do
*Family that calls and puts me on speaker phone
*Loneliness, because it makes me pray and be more social
*Cute animals, and even the not so cute ones
*Cellphones to call and text people 3000 miles away
*A God who is always bigger than I can imagine, who loves me even when I'm not in a good mood
*My Bible, because it reminds me what I believe and why
*Music, to dance to, to sing to, and to make me think
*Good books, because getting lost in another world is a beautiful thing
*The ability to write epic things, and create pretty things
*Pencils and paper
*Good food, with flavor
*And pie, I like pie :)
*The internet, it's a wonderful thing
*My trusty computer that has never let me down
*Puns and sarcasm
*Money, it comes in handy
*Nature, because it's just beautiful and reveals God
*Airplanes, because they get me where I want to go
*Pain, because it reminds me that I have a functioning nervous system
*Cameras, because they remind me of things that I would otherwise forget
*Maps, because they're fun, and useful
*Cookbooks and recipes, which I would be lost without
*Couches (and the cuddle puddles that occur on them)
*Clean clothes, and a dryer to make jeans fit
*So many more, but I have to get going and enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner, so you're welcome to fill in the blanks :)
pray without ceasing,
in everything give thanks; for this
is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you
1 Thessalonians 5:4
22 November 2009
I asked myself if there is any reason why I'm not following my own mantra: "whatever you find to do, do it well, as if doing it for the Lord." Why I'm not loving everyone I meet with a joy that isn't of this world and isn't based on circumstances. Why I'm not shining, making them wonder what I've got. Turns out, I didn't have a good answer for myself.
A very wise turtle (:P) once said, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and that is why it's called the present.
As cliche as it sounds; carpe diem!
(and yes, I'm writing this down so that I will not forget)
21 November 2009
I miss all my babies. I realized tonight that Miaya is the only one left from the Brunner's lil farm in Long Beach. Pictures and nostalgia are all that's left of those furry and feathery critters that I loved so much.
Oh how times change.
Heart: Then swim!
Head: I don't know how to anymore.
Head: I'm not sure that I ever did...
Heart: Yes you did, you still know how
Head: Apathy is a strong force, so strong in fact, that it would let me drown
Heart: Then fight it!
Head: I don't care enough to fight, it's easier to just exist
Heart: Is that all you want? To just exist?
Head: ...no, I hate it
Heart: Remind me why you aren't swimming forward?
Head: I can't make myself care unless I've got someone poking and prodding me...
Holy Spirit: Be hot, or be cold, do not be lukewarm, or I will spit you out
Holy Spirit: The Spirit and the old self are always at war, so that often you do not do what you want to do, and what you want to do, you do not do
Head: Then why bother?
Holy Spirit: Because eternity hangs in the balance. You are a world at war, the side which is fed will triumph
Heart: Apathy muffles the Spirit
Head: I've noticed
Holy Spirit: Friendship towards the world is enmity towards God. You cannot have both
Head: ...I guess that's what my apathy has lead me towards
Heart: So about that swimming...
Head: Please help me, Holy Spirit?
Holy Spirit: Of course, that's why I'm here
Jesus: Don't forget, the world hated me first. And when I died, I died for all your sins, not just a few. I'm bigger than that.
Head: I guess 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' don't even begin to cover it...
Jesus: Remember, I was human once too; it will do. I love you.
Head: I love you too.
Holy Spirit: Let's take this one stroke at a time, shall we?
15 November 2009
For the hummus, put the following ingredients in a food processor and process:
1 can of garbanzo beans (garbanzo = splendid word)
3 T olive oil
3 cloves of garlic (peeled, of course)
1 1/2 tsp cumin
1/8 tsp tumeric
2-3 T lemon juice (or more)
Salt, pepper, parsley, and cayenne pepper to taste :)
For the sandwich:
Spread one side with cream cheese and the other with hummus
Sandwich in the middle: spinach, radish sprouts, tomato, cheddar cheese, and sliced olives.
That is all, and it made me happy, so I thought I would share.
2) This is a hibiscus in my yard, and it does not relate to anything mentioned above except that, it too, made me happy.
3) Psalm 51 is beautiful. I had forgotten.
4) God is bigger, always, even when I doubt
11 November 2009
08 November 2009
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step out onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.
And I must follow, if I can, pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.
30 October 2009
Yeah, me too...
Sometimes I feel so torn. I want to see the world, but I also just want to settle down and not have to deal with the money/time/trouble/stress that goes along with wonder/wander-lust.
Sometimes I wish I had a niche in life. So many places come so very close, but never quite close enough. My Christian friends understand most of me, but then my friends in biology and conservation understand that part of me that my Christian friends never have. It's hard to be a liberal conservative environmentalist Christian zoologist.
Sometimes I just feel bipolar.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free to be completely me. But then I wonder if that 'me' is actually my old self that needs to be pummeled by the Holy Spirit.
And yet the more time I spend doing nothing, torn between two worlds, the less I get done and the lazier and more apathetic I become.
I don't know who said it first, but someday I want this to fully be my anthem, instead of just a part of it:
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals...
18 October 2009
But that aside, on Thursday, at 5:30 pm I came back to my home of 3 years and surprised everyone but Hannah. The reactions were as good as I had hoped... Brookie followed me around a for a few hours, staring and smiling, after she recovered from her initial wide-eyed shock. Hannah just looked so pleased with herself. It was wonderful to feel loved, I have really missed that.
We went dancing later that night, and it seems I have forgotten how to move my feet. But such is life, it was still fun. I am now just chillin' at The Rock, doing everyone's chores in exchange for room and board for the next 1.5 weeks, reading The Eye of the World, and generally just being lazy.
I had truffle shortbread and tea with Colleen and Jennifer, which was splendidful. Colleen ate with two forks... have I mentioned how very much I love my friends?
So yes, here for 1.5 weeks, then over to the Maui Bird Conservation Center for ~5 months (Lord willing). Please pray that I have Sundays off over there, because after going to church today, I realized that I really need fellowship to be healthy.
And I shall conclude with a quote that I love, and absolutely does not relate:
"...one morning long ago in the quiet of the world, when there was less noise and more green..." (from Tolkein's The Hobbit)
07 October 2009
One excellent point made by the author was about love; and when you think about it, you think about it in financial metaphors (withholding love, investing in someone, etc.). He talked about how the love of the church has become conditional, withholding if from those we feel need to learn a lesson, or don't deserve it. And when we give love, we expect something in exchange, or give it to feel good about ourselves. I know I'm guilty of that. It made me wonder what would happen if I loved like Jesus loved. He loved the unlovable, the outcasts, and because He genuinely cared about them, they sensed that and responded to it.
I wish I knew how to really love... and receive love... but that's a whole 'nother story.
29 September 2009
If you want to learn the fine art of adjectives there are only a few books that I would recommend, and "My Family and Other Animals" is at the top of the list. His writing is truly an art form; not to mention quite humorous and reminiscent of my childhood... It made me wish that I could have been born in the time when conservation was such a new and controversial subject, and its pioneers were still alive.
This quote made me laugh: "If naturalists go to heaven [about which there is considerable ecclesiastical doubt], I hope that I will be furnished with a troop of kakapo to amuse me in the evening instead of television."
17 September 2009
If our old self were truly a man, to refuse or embrace?
If Satan were a beast to be fought with, or a beautiful creature to deny?
If despair were a looming giant?
If hope were our friend who sometimes felt close, and sometimes far away?
If we could walk through the Valley of Death?
If doubt was a place to escape from with the key of promise?
If the demons of temptation that plague us when we are at our weakest or most distracted were something to be wrestled with, or swatted away?
Would this life be easier or harder?
Would we have the courage to fight Satan in hand to hand combat?
Would we run from it all, and hide in the world that is sentenced to be destroyed?
Would we hold hope close, or ignore them?
Would we have the courage and persistence to fight the good fight, and finish the race?
I don't know. But I wish with all my heart that I had the chance to find out.
15 September 2009
2. That said, I'm looking into jobs in New Zealand. Lord willing, I will work there or go to school there, just not this year.
3. I have finished knitting my Gryffindor scarf, and it reaches my knees :)
4. I do believe that by the time I get back to Washington I will not have a tan.
5. It's looking like I will be going to Maui, but for longer than I thought (possibly until March)
6. As of yesterday, I have seen the 7 wonders of the Big Island of Hawai'i. Me and two other interns went up to the top of Mauna Kea ('white mountain') and saw the world's largest astronomical observatory. There are 13 observatories up there, run by 11 different countries. Some of the most famous photos of space have been taken by those telescopes. I was pretty much floored (the lack of oxygen at 13,796 ft. may have played a small roll in this)
My favorite space picture, the horse head nebula in Orion, was taken by the Canada-France-Hawaii Telescope
Bethany and Amanda in front of the Gemini and Canada-France-Hawaii Telescopes!
7. Also yesterday we went mamane picking for KBCC's palila. It took awhile, but we got 5 bags full, and got to see a Hawaiian 'Amakihi and a wild sheep with two lambs :)
8. Written on my arm is 1 Corinthians 6:20, and I think it will stay there for a long time (although I think it's rubbing off on my keyboard)
9. I miss my friends in Pullman so much that it hurts sometimes
10. After discovering Dropkick Murphys, I have also discovered that I really like Flogging Molly. I wish I had known that last year when they came to Pullman :P
11. I'm once again working on a story that I began at age 15. The plot is exploding (in a good way), but the characters need development. Not sure how to do that...
12. is a good number to end on. I need to go get some milk at the military camp.
09 September 2009
*Is it possible to live big by living small?
*Does it honor our Father God when I keep my head down at work, and just work my hardest?
*What do I do with a roadblock that seems to be hindering my entire walk with God?
(especially when I've tried to destroy it, over and over again)
*How do I know for sure where God wants me to be?
*How do I become a fruits of the Spirit basket, when I just feel like a bruised banana?
*I wish I could eloquently express the greatness of my Father.
*I want to know what to do with my life, but every time I say that, a small voice says it's not your life, you gave it away a long time ago.
*I feel like a mealworm beetle, who stubbornly clings to the wilted and gnawed on old apple, when I just want to give it a fresh, new piece.
If we find this picture funny, how much more amusing do you suppose God finds us?
20 August 2009
After mulling this idea over, while sitting on a collapsed lava tube, watching the sun sink low in the Hawaiian sky, I came to an inconclusive conclusion. Maybe that is why I no longer find it glamorous to work with endangered birds; the wonder has tarnished. But, then again, maybe the Lord gave me this 'dream job' to show me that it is not, in fact, my dream; and maybe I'm meant for something else.
I'm not sure yet.
But in the meantime, the 'Alala chicks are pretty dang cute.
Hawai'i is a very pretty place
And God is God, and I'm not.
Thank God :)
23 July 2009
*I got Lilo & Stitch in the mail today (got it off Amazon for $5).
*Figured it would be a good investment, since I am in Hawai'i
*The internet is being stubborn and won't let me post pictures
*I have so many good pictures!
*I need to find an internet cafe!
*I had Kara and Susan over yesterday to watch Kung Fu Panda, eat shortbread, and drink tea.
*It was lovely, almost like home.
*I hiked around Volcanoes National Park on Tuesday.
*Got very sunburned and sore, but got to see white-tailed tropicbirds for the first time!
*There was an epic thunderstorm yesterday, lasted ~3 hours, shook the windows, and soaked me in seconds.
*I wanted to dance in it, but alas, I have no one to dance with.
*I settled for puddle stomping.
*Susan and I have decided that the mapa girls should get on Twitter.
*Or that Mapa Girls should be the name of a band.
*Oh the things you think of when picking waxworms.
*Alana and Dani come out in 3 days.
*Miss y'all muchly
12 July 2009
*gasp* did Emily just say that?
After thinking long and hard, and not getting much sleep, I've come to the conclusion that I want to work hands on with birds, and animals, but it must have some significance, or I just can't make myself care as much as I know I am capable of. That said, I've decided, one day, I will help start a self-sustaining orphanage somewhere in the world where I can teach people how to take care of their animals and lead a more productive life because of doing so. It's funny, the things that pop into our heads at 9:00 at night. But for some reason, this idea has stuck with me. Strongly. Anybody want to help make it come true?
Impossible? Nope. Not with God.
26 June 2009
2. Lay there and contemplate getting up
3. Get up
4. Eat a big breakfast in the pre-sunrise light, because you won't be able to eat until noon
5. Walk to the Brooder office building (BOB)
6. Change into your work clothes behind a green curtain
7. Walk to your assigned barn (FBB1, FBB2, Uppers, or Lowers)
8. Walk down a long dark corridor with doors and one way windows on both sides
9. Check all the birds, write down what they're doing (if it's important)
10. Pick up leaf litter in every aviary (and leftover mamane, berries, and lettuce)
11. Hose down the front, and spray bleach water on it all
12. Rinse it down
13. Put out fresh food and water
14. Wait to see if the bird will come down (silly Palilas!)
15. Do a lot of dishes
16. Meeting on the green carpet in the BOB and tell everybody how your birds are today
17. Lunch! Back to the intern house for an hour
18. Back to your barn to check all the birds again
19. Give out supplementary worms, lettuce, and mamane
20. Do your days chore (i.e. check mosquito netting, or maintenance on waxworm jars, etc.)
21. At 3:00ish back to the BOB to change clothes
22. Back to the intern house
23. All day, hope and pray that the sitting female birds stay sitting, and when you can get around to it, make diets for tomorrow
Yep, that's about it in a nutshell
And this is a female Maui Parrotbill (Mapa), one of my favorite birds so far
17 June 2009
I'll be cleaning up and organizing this morning (and kicking myself for forgetting my hairbrush) and then going through orientation and paperwork. I get three weeks of training (woot for being thorough) and internet only in one of the building's libraries. I think Artemis will be living here from now on. So yeah, that's about it; it's nice, it's good.... I'm lonely :( Anyway, pictures coming soon.
15 June 2009
11 June 2009
He got me into the grad school of my dreams
He got me into the job/internship of my dreams
He gave me friends who help me make spinach and fresh feta ravioli at 8:30 at night and drink contraband blueberry beer with me (both are excellent, by the way)
He had people give me graduation money, which I can use to buy my plane ticket to Hawaii (dream job location)
So good, all the time
07 June 2009
Lazy morning, lazy drive
Moscow's Saturday market
Wandering around, pining over yarn
Fresh eggs, fresh spinach, mmm
Oh Co-op, how I love thee
And WinCo, let me count the ways
Home for lunch, beautiful drive
Steak, zucchini, onions, rice
All mixed together
Fresh blueberries for dessert
Reading books on the couch alone
Thunder, moving closer
Rain! Yay! Pouring rain :)
A very wet Phil came to the door
A walk in the rain to the park
Calling Brooke from a small dry spot
Flickering lightning, crashing thunder
Clogged storm drain
Skimboarders utilizing the puddle
Soaking, dripping wet
Hot cocoa and tea, and dry clothes
Phil wearing a pair of my shorts
Oh the unspoken jokes
Much guitar playing and songs
Pita pit was closed, yay pizza!
A crowd of people
Watching Kung-fu Panda
Hermit crab climbed the couch
Hamster rolling around the living room
Talking and enjoying life
Life is wonderful
Life is free
04 June 2009
A group of tapirs is called a candle.
There are 4 species and they are all endangered.
And there are wooly tapirs (they live in the Andes Mountains).
Baby wooly tapir: I wants!
02 June 2009
But Hawaii! Endangered endemic island birds! Gah!!!
Please pray that I get this one, it's pretty much my dream job.
25 May 2009
I feel like there should be a fairy in this picture...
Oh well, at least I found a Fairy Slipper :)
I found a dipper!
20 May 2009
14 May 2009
*Colleen is living in the Rock now :)
*I have a milkshake, and had an epic hamburger earlier
*I got straight A's my last semester at WSU
*My DARs report is all green now :)
*Sooner than later I'll be able to get my unconditional offer of place at Otago
*Graduation announcements are done, I just need to find some envelopes
*I have $258 to spend on a tattoo
*I have a bike to ride tomorrow
*My friends/siblings are doing great things for God
*I have a new pair of jeans, that actually fit
*Two good books are waiting on the floor for me
*I can work on my novel whenever I want to
*I'm wearing my lucky underwear, hehe :P
*Raisins in my shrimp fritters
The Time: 10:20 on the night of May 13th
The Scenery: a pile of graduation announcements on my floor, a chocolate Cougar Country milkshake in front of me, piles of pennies on the floor near my now naked door.
Never in my dreams would I have thought that 4 days after I graduated from Washington State University I would be unemployed. Not gonna lie, after applying for something like 23 jobs, it's eating at me, and I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me. *sigh*. Trusting God is becoming a major issue; it's hammered into my head day and night, but my heart is being pretty dang stubborn about accepting it. I want to one day soon be like Job...
Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him. Job 13:15
This man lost everything he held dear, and he still praised God. But he wasn't without a healthy dose of whining about how he didn't deserve the trouble... however, I really don't think I could handle how God eventually broke Job's pride.
I graduated with straight A's, magna cum laude, so no pride lost there, but maybe this situation is God's way of finally breaking my ever-festering-below-the-surface pride. Because in all reality, taking some time off to just chill and not work isn't all that bad of a prospect, it's because of my pride and where I apparently hold my self worth that I'm angry about being unemployed. (and hey, this is a little better than thunder, a whirlwind, and an angry God)
Okay God, help me wait on you. Not that I have a choice, but going willingly is so much more enjoyable than going kicking and screaming.
30 April 2009
I went to Rico's last night, and sat at the bar, studying anatomy. When I asked the bartender what would be good for a bad cough, he gave me whiskey on the rocks. It did help, and actually tasted pretty good (and amused everyone with me).
Walking down from the financial office in Abelson today I almost stepped on a little male cricket. Using a sandwich bag, I picked him up and carried him home. So Hermione has a new roommate! I think I'll call him Kronos.
28 April 2009
*Paying for it
*Hate dealing with money
*Only 2 more weeks as an undergrad.
*Graduation craziness (and relatives)
*Saying goodbye to people I love
*Need a job! Amendment... want a job!!
*Finals are kicking my butt
*Presentations scare me
*Uncertainty is overwhelming
*Pain and confusion... it's not my fault... is it?
*Parting isn't sweet, it just feels like sorrow
*My heart is becoming bitter, and it tastes bad
*Some love me, some avoid me... why (both)?
*Please, see me as an example of what not to do
*I need to make time
*I've pulled away again
*I need to go back, and give Him my complete trust
*I love Him, and I miss Him
I don't deal with change very well
20 April 2009
Round 2: We came home around 5:30 and I made a Totoro for Hannah's birthday, whilst studying anatomy.
Round 3: Brooke and I rearranged the whole upstairs (i.e. all the furniture) and built an epic fort/castle! We used 4 couches, one music stand, one fire escape, one tv, and two mattresses. We crammed about 8 people inside and talked for awhile, and it got very warm. I then made cranberry orange scones, we made tea, Phil came back over, and we watched Muppets from Space, inside the tent.
Round 4: We stayed up talking until almost 2 a.m. and then proceeded to drive Phil home. On the corner of B street and Colorado we noticed three shady individuals sitting on the curb. Guess who? Ben, Robbie, and Tom, of course. Who else would sit on the corner, completely sober, asking people what their favorite color was, and taking bets on it. A wonderful end to a wonderful day :)
16 April 2009
The dandelions are everywhere, and they make me happy with their fluffy yellow cheerfulness.
With it [our tongue] we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, this should not be James 3:9-10
This brought to mind Bambi, when Thumper's mom reminded him that if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. I guess Disney got something right after all.
It's a hard command to follow, but when really attempted, it's actually quite enjoyable for everyone involved.
When a gift is given the credit goes to the giver not the receiver (a good reminder that we can't gain our own salvation)
Next time you make grilled cheese, use smoked gouda and Tillamook extra sharp white. Sharp with a hint of smokiness = mm mm good!
10 April 2009
It sounds more like a click than a tick
I'm alone on the couch
My head hurts, a lot
I thought working out
Might make that go away
I was wrong, as usual
My water bottle is broken
If only I weren't so clumsy
Housemates are at the Good Friday Service
I would have gone, really
But energy levels are down again
I should be studying
Or maybe making myself dinner
But energy levels are down again
I wish I cared about school more
At least right now
It would help
I wish I didn't care so much
About certain people
Who say they will call, but never do
I wish I could stop missing him
What do you do
When you lose your best friend
But never understand why?
When they never tell you why
They just disappeared
It's like that Big & Rich song
You never stop loving somebody
You just start loving somebody else
That said, I pray
And thank God for who He is
For the fact that He DIED
On the cross for the world
Suffered more pain than anyone
And for the fact that
He is risen, indeed
02 April 2009
Today Alana got a 6 month job working with one of her professors (a job that she really wanted) working on campus and maybe in Uganda!
On Tuesday Sharon got a job working at the rec. center that she's really excited about!
Today Austin got accepted into the SMART program, which makes him and Melissa incredibly happy (just wait, an engagement may be coming soon)!
Yesterday Beth got all her garments done and the fashion show went really well, and the model that she thought she might lose was able to take her o. chem. test this morning!
Yesterday Lizzy got her o. chem. exam grade back: 90!
Dani got accepted to her first choice graduate school, and living arrangements are worked out (and amazing)!
29 March 2009
At the Rock we turned off the lights, lit a bunch of candles in the living room, sat around, sang, played guitar, and... did some serious interpretive dancing involving zombies, ballerinas, country swing, and the waltz in rolling desk chairs. I did a little bit of homework, yes, but when Janna and Brooke are dancing it out with hoodie capes and spoons, it was kind of difficult...
(and then the boys left and the dancing really started, but that's another story. My abs are sore.)
I know that I sound like a total hippie/conservationist, but oh well, I love it.
Oh, and cool article if you want to know more: http://www.vancouversun.com/news/Canada+goes+dark+Earth+Hour/1440572/story.html
22 March 2009
Dad and I went to the U-Haul place
Time and paperwork
Got a dolly for the car
Started towards Kamiah
A dead deer on the side of the road
It moved it's head
It's not dead!
Found a place to park
Young doe with a broken ankle
Poor little creature :(
Carried her to the truck
Fish and game guy stopped
Called a conservation officer
I prayed that she would survive
Onward to Kamiah
By the way, your income tax return
Between 6 and 7 hundred dollars
Praise for provision!
Took some time and a quick tow
To get the car on the dolly
Only the transmission pan is busted
Maybe it can be fixed easily
Payed the fees
Met an 11 year old timber wolf
Hand raised by the people there
Towed the car home
Mom was freaked out
Came home and had tea
Housemates are home!
Went to a concert at Beisley
10th Avenue North
So tired, but it was good
Ran home in the pouring rain
Puddle jumping all the way
20 March 2009
The sunrise was gorgeous
3.5 hours on a curvy road
Hugging the Clearwater River
Beth doing homework and napping
Jerry Johnson hot springs
Cool old pack bridge
1.5 mile hike on packed snow
But then, steam!
Clamber down a muddy cliff
Hot water fall
Pouring into a hot water pool
Only a few rocks separate us
From the freezing river water
Bathing suits and slick rocks
Soaking in a natural jacuzzi
(Camera decided to take a soak too)
Hiked back for lunch
Started driving home
Rounding a curve, ah! rocks!
Didn't swerve, maybe should have...
*clunk* maybe it went under?
*CLUNK* smoke, smell, stop!
Pink transmission fluid gushing out
My mom is going to kill me
Flagged down a car seconds after
Going to Montana to get... a buffalo
Little lodge and restaurant
So nice, let us use their phone
So many calls!
Yeah, I cried
Tow truck finally came and got us
Nice old guy, no front teeth
Long drive to Kamiah
Almost fell asleep several times
$500 in towing fees
But $175 pity discount
Sorry girlie, transmission is totaled
Amazing Abby picked up me and Beth
Dad and I will get the poor car tomorrow
And now, tea and Planet Earth
Thank you God, for nice people, discounts, and safety
19 March 2009
I'm eating chocolate pudding and watching The Little Mermaid, which I haven't seen since I was 5, because I fell off the trampoline and sprained my wrist. Apart from being alone, a few days of laziness is quite pleasant.
15 March 2009
I was reading that verse in Romans 8 that says "For I am persuaded that neither death no life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other crated thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
After the initial subconscious reaction of I love that verse so much came the very conscious thought of no power in the 'verse can stop me
Today is March 14, and in honor of this fact I made an amazing apple pie with pi written on top in cinnamon and sugar.
09 March 2009
God gave me these desires for a reason, and He'll give me the job that best suits them. Or maybe he wants me to have a crummy job that will allow me to meet someone that really needs His help. God knows.
I even looked the AZA website today and found a few positions that I can apply for. It was a weird and kinda bad deja vu from last summer... but I did find an internship with CRES working with endangered Hawaiian birds. If I could get that job, and get connections with CRES, it would be the closest thing to heaven on earth... at least for this girl... and at least work-wise...
Onwards and upwards
p.s. have I mentioned how endangered endemic island birds rock my world?
New Caledonian Kagu
06 March 2009
*I would go dancing at The Beach and CJ's almost every week
*Learn country swing within 2 songs
*Learn how to do aerials with a guy I don't know very well
*Go to Rico's quite frequently and learn to love pool
*Give, and ask for, back rubs from a lot of different people
*Like electronic music
yeah, they would have been treated to a good laugh. And yet... it's all so much fun! I wish I'd done most of it sooner.
That is all.
03 March 2009
Can I just look in the mirror, say "damn you", and move on to a life that serves God, and God alone? Why can't it be that easy? Why can't I have the faith to make it that easy? It would seem that being finite and human makes it impossible...
But all things are possible with God...
Help me, Lord! I don't want to disappoint you anymore!
28 February 2009
* I have groceries now
* Totoro is being watched again, love it!
* Robbie came up to the lab with me and helped me run gels
* tea, tea is good
* I'm sitting on my favorite blue and white quilt
* I have a Totoro t-shirt
* Jamie says, and I quote, "Pandas!!!"
* Kiira and Becca are here
* Brian's hat is wonderful
* I have 3 Emilie Autumn songs now
* Blueberry dwarf hamsters
* Hank the Cowdog
* um... that's all that I can come up with, but I'm sure there must be more...
27 February 2009
This scene makes me squeal, every time :P
25 February 2009
I have a cup of tetley with milk and sugar at medium woot (on a scale of 1 to zomg)
There is a blue and white (and oh so warm) quilt wrapped around me.
The rain is dripping off the tips of pine needles just outside my window, in little sparkly drops.
There is a cricket chirping away nearby.
And my anatomy book is open in front of me.
This is me. Love me for it, and in spite of it.
24 February 2009
We all have a lot of plans on what we're doing after graduation, or with our lives, and yet we can't control when our next breath will happen...
Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established. Prov. 16:3
Make your plans with Him, not make your plans, get a heavenly stamp of approval, and move on, for...
When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. Prov. 16:7
Follow after the Lord, that is our whole duty and purpose. He will take care of the rest. He promised, and it pleases Him to do so.
But seek the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added to you. Do not fear little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. Luke 12:31-32
22 February 2009
There is a cricket chirping in my bedroom :)
19 February 2009
I define my boys as the ones that I can see as my brothers in Christ.
The ones who aren't afraid to hug me when I'm having a bad day.
The ones who know how to tease me correctly.
The ones who will walk me home (if I ask).
The ones that are considerate of my feelings.
The ones who aren't afraid to tell me if I look nice.
The ones who make brownies.
The ones who would protect me if I need protection.
The ones who restore my faith in the male half of humanity on a daily basis.
The ones that I can see are becoming gentlemen, and are genuinely striving after our God, despite the failures and struggles.
It's quite inspiring.
They're my boys, they're my brothers.
I love them.
Some are single, some are taken, heck, one of them likes me, but no matter their connections they remain my brothers, first and foremost in my mind. So thanks, boys. I appreciate you more than you'll ever know.
17 February 2009
16 February 2009
Have you ever heard of the Wombat Moon?
When the animals gather in the midst of June?
Numbat, Wallaby, Tiger, and Deer,
To frolic ’neath the celestial sphere
They come from near and very far
Guided by a shining star
For it is a time of gladness and glee
Of happiness and unity
The Luna moth floats in first,
Honeyed tea slakes her thirst,
She rests her green gossamer wings,
And then to the Wombat Moon she sings
On this night the Cat won’t chase the Mouse
Nor does the Lynx stalk the Grouse
The Aardwolf eats not the Ants
Instead all gather paws and dance
The Hyena’s face holds a silly grin
As he waltzes with the Penguin twin
The scent of jasmine floats on the air
And the animals frolic without a care
The Antelope kick up their hooves
The herd of Wildebeesties moves
To whistle upon fanciful flutes
With their playful friends the Bandicoots
This my friend, is the Wombat Moon
A magical time in the midst of June
Where all God’s creatures, both great and small
Gather to dance in the Lunar Ball
But that's not what God has given me.
I know that I have been given a great capacity to love, and especially when I have come close to "being in a relationship" this becomes even more obvious. If I ever find the right guy, I know that I will hold on to him (often literally, I'm sure :P) and love and respect him until death does us part.
I want to be loved, cherished, and pushed into corners and kissed like there's no tomorrow. *sigh*. Yep, I'm a hopeless romantic, and that's all there is to it. Sorry if that was too much information, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. And I know that in this state it's more important than ever to take every thought captive (thanks for reminding me of that, Brooke), so that I can wait on God's timing, believing that He knows who is best for me, and also when is best for the both of us, whoever he is.
Protecting hearts = a very good thing!
15 February 2009
I also love the wonderful boys who, although there is no genetic relationship, I can call my brothers
It's a beautiful thing how God can unite people who otherwise would never have been friends, and probably would have never met each other
I may be cranky and antisocial sometimes. And take homework to Rico's. And not always dance at CJ's. And stand in the corner sometimes. But honestly, I treasure my time with you all, and honestly believe that these years are some of the best of my life.
And yes, baby elephants... and giraffes
12 February 2009
And yet at the same time, it's so simple
A robin perched outside my window makes me smile, even as I describe it's fluffyness as an attempt to increase it's boundary layer
Threadless t-shirts rock my... well, technically my torso and shoulders
There is a coracoid process on the subscapular side of the cat scapula, above the glenoid fossa
I have an anatomy lab exam tonight, and now understand why people disappear when they take this class
Someday I want to be kissed while climbing a tree
I like swings a lot, even if they do make me queasy sometimes
Missing people or worrying about them does absolutely nothing unless you do something about it
To myself I am only my dreams, to others I am only my actions
Kittens, ferrets, baby chickens & quails, and hamster piles
Double bergamont earl gray tea is amazing; almost as amazing at Tetley, but not quite
God is outside of time. Think about that one for awhile
He also knows what's best, and complaining is not constructive nor enjoyable to be around
Sunfleck is actually a word. Oh, the possibilities!
Cuddle puddle. I wants one.
08 February 2009
A lot of people lately have been telling me that I'm cool, or spunky, or amazing, or smart, etc. Not gonna lie, I tend to not believe it. But during the sermon today I realized that I am actually a rather extraordinary person. Don't take this the wrong way, I haven't suddenly become a narcissist, I've just realized that God has given me a lot of random and rather unique gifts, especially within my circle of Christian friends.
That said, God has made me amazing, but without Him, it means absolutely, positively, zip zero, nada, nothing. I need to use my gifts to serve Him and others in amazing ways, and in areas that are often not given much attention by Christians. Like my major.
So yeah, I don't usually know what to do with myself, but that's okay, because I am not my own, I have been bought with a price.
02 February 2009
I wish that I could control how my graduate school application is reviewed, and make the university accept me into their program. But I can't.
I wish I could control my emotions, and make things work out with certain people, because they really are wonderful. But I can't.
I wish I could be disciplined and self controlled, and beat those perpetual sins into the mud beneath my feet. But I can't.
I wish I could make things work out between all my friends so they stop hurting. But I can't.
I wish that I could control how my job applications are reviewed, and make people give me the job I want. But I can't.
I wish I could control my life. BUT I CAN'T.
In a sense I am trying to do God's job, and when a person does that they are ALWAYS bound for failure. So why do I try? I wish I knew. What I do know is that it needs to stop.
All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
Take me Jesus, take me now.
I surrender all,
I surrender all,
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all
Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.
22 January 2009
That said, I felt the need to show you what makes one half of Em tick:
Are they not beautiful?
15 January 2009
1 bowl warm applesauce with cinnamon on top
1 chilly January day
1 cat (if available)
Put the sandwich and applesauce bowl on a plate and sit down in the sunspot, preferably indoors. Depending on the size and location of the sunspot, you may need 2 of them. Slowly eat the food and bask in the sun. If a cat is available to you, pet it intermittently (they generally don't leave sunspots anyway). Add hugs to taste.
07 January 2009
New Years Day 2008 my family got up very early, and moved away from
I helped build a 4 person igloo at XA
I discovered that I could hula hoop with a spoon on my nose
Started watching Stargate
Rosalie and I started dating on facebook, and we went to pizza, and went and saw Enchanted at Todd Aud. Oh, and that’s when I officially met Snook
Brian had ridiculous mutton-chops, and then a ridiculous moustache, then he shaved
I took ornithology, and it kind of changed my life
I actually talked about God with a fellow zoology major
Took an amazing blackmail picture of Rosalie and Angela
Had a shortbread making party at 1 a.m. during finals week
I survived organic chemistry and the second half of my year of physics
Rosalie left for
Kiira, Alana, Snook, and I went kayaking on the
Went to Save Our Shire to watch Bridging Babel play, and experienced my first hippie festival. Oh old barns, frisbee in plowed fields, and the smell of pot
Went home for the high school graduation of Rayna, Kelly, and Jonathan
Alana went to
I took Technical Writing in the summer, and finished my English minor
I spent 3 weeks in
Climbed rocks in Joshua Tree National Park, hugged a Joshua tree and almost hugged a cholla
Added about 15 birds to my life list, and saw a Western Tanager
Started a blog
I went to a concert with Phil to see Blues Travelers, Collective Soul, and Live. Also went to the Spaghetti Factory and sat in a sweet purple chair. Also went to the sci-fi museum!
Flew home to
Mommy and Daddy got two kittens, and we named them Dorian Gray and Pierre Dantes. Such nice kitties.
Grandpa Bill died
Got to see the McKindley-Ward cousins for the first time in 5 years
Fall semester began and there were 8 new girls in The Rock: Janna, Erika, Melissa, Lauren, Liz, Abby, Hannah, and Brooke. Liz and Lauren were late arrivals, but turned out absolutely wonderful.
Fall ’08 semester was the biggest God thing I’ve seen in awhile. We thought it would be a hard semester, and that people wouldn’t get along. God thought otherwise.
A few of us went to the first football game of the year in
Rosalie broke up with me because she started working in
My first semester ever where my academic courses were all biology classes
I learned how to dance and work out.
I went dancing for the first time at CJ’s… actually I went six times total.
I went to the Highland Games for the first time, and was there all day
Took care of Phil’s guinea pig, Samwise Hamgee
Sylvester jumped out of my arms and was temporarily paralyzed. I had to put him to sleep.
We played with hermit crabs in Invertebrate Zoology lab, so I went and bought a hermit crab, and named her Hermione
Brooke, Phil, and I took co-ownership of a blueberry dwarf hamster, and named her Ambrosia the Precious (nectar of the gods)
Decided to go to graduate school and get my Master’s degree (hopefully in
Had a house sleepover, and left one of the mattresses upstairs
Melissa and Liz had an 80’s themed birthday party. Actually talked to Robbie Love for the first time
Barack Obama got elected the 44th President of the
Brooke and Janna cut my hair to look like
I got 6 inch heel, black, lace-up, boots. Everybody had to try them on
Halloween: Hannah and I were vampires and Brooke was a vampire slayer. Beth did my makeup, dark lipstick and everything. I looked amazing, if I do say so myself. We all went dancing
Beth, Brooke, and I ate an entire pumpkin pie with our fingers (minus the crust)
Put a big black X and the word NO on the upstairs door
WSU beat UW in the Applecup, so UW is officially the worst team in the Pac-10
Went ‘home’ for Thanksgiving break and IDed a whole bunch of invertebrates at the beach
Alana and I hung up blue icicle lights inside
We had a house tea party
I drank a lot of tea this semester, a heck of a lot of tea
The night before my 21st birthday Brooke, Robbie, and I went down to the park so I could turn 21 on the swings, in the pouring rain :)
I had a Disney movie night for my birthday
WSU basketball lost to Gonzaga
A bunch of us went to the acoustic battle of the bands and saw Ian, Snook, Chris, and Brian play
Beth, Colleen, Jennifer, and I made chocolate almond shortbread at 2 a.m. during finals
Julie Ann, Chris Akers, Nate, and ZZ graduated
Brian came dancing at CJ’s for the first time
Boys… oh boy….
Alana and I drove to
We shoveled a foot and a half of snow off Grandma’s roof
Met a second cousin from
On Christmas day Mr. Broberg drove Alana, Dani, and I to the airport. Alana and Dani flew to
Rosalie picked me up and we went out to dinner at a French restaurant at The Grove with her Jewish coworker, Mike Dillon, then we went to his apartment and watched Gladiator.
New Years Eve 2008 Rosalie, her roommate Hannah, and I watched Gross Point Blank, popped a bottle of champagne, toasted the New Year, watched the ball fall in New York, and then we watched Emperor’s New Groove.
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